Tag Archives: pop culture

I called him “daddy”

4 Jun

I had confessed to the Gentleman Sadist, weeks earlier, that I was turned on by the idea of calling a partner “daddy.” I did it in a sideways, almost passive way – I didn’t call him “daddy,” or ask if I could. I just let it slip that calling a generic man “daddy” is something I fantasize about sometimes.

He just laughed and marveled fondly at the extent to which I was a little slut (which is really pretty much a term of endearment for us) and didn’t mention it again for a few weeks. I assumed that he was just not that into it and didn’t bring it up again. I didn’t get embarrassed, though, as I might have in the past. One nice thing about our rapport is that there’s no shame.

But last week, we were chatting and he told me he’d jerked off that morning, thinking about me. Well, of course that got my attention.

“What were you thinking about?” I asked.

“The sounds you’ll make the first time I make you call me ‘daddy.'”

Oh damn. My heart went into my throat and my pussy was instantly throbbing. And then he did indeed “make” me call him daddy, and I was hooked.

“Master” does nothing for me and while “sir” has its uses, it’s always felt a little bit forced on my lips – it’s hard for me to say it without the teensiest bit of a smirk or an eye-roll. But “daddy” – there’s no smirk when I say “daddy.” It lays me bare – makes me feel both vulnerable and protected at the same time. It’s a … wild feeling. I want to cry and laugh and come all at the same time.

It’s funny, because this seemed like such a taboo, for such a long time, for all the obvious reasons. And I’ll admit that part of what I enjoy about it is the dirty wrongness. So the truly amazing thing to me is that calling your lover “daddy” is a pretty mainstream thing. I mean, pop culture is full of it: 
Hey little girl, is your daddy home? … 
I love it when you call me Big Poppa ….
And of course we can’t forget Who’s your daddy? And in many Spanish-speaking countries, lovers call each other mami and papi.

To me, it feels a bit scary in an exciting way, but really it’s not that out of the ordinary.

And it does makes sense that it would be popular – is there a better archetype for the strong, male figure than “daddy”? For me, it’s not about pretending he actually is my father or that I’m a little girl (and no dig if that is your thing, it just doesn’t happen to be mine), it’s about the archetype.

But it’s still emotionally so powerful, and so taboo in a way. And yet so commonplace, despite the feeling of taboo. What an odd contradiction.

Fifty Shades of Grey and Ambivalence

14 Mar

Well, what do you know? It looks like the newest word-of-mouth hit among middle-aged book club ladies is about a BDSM relationship. The book is Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James, and it started out as Twilight fan fiction. I had honestly never heard of the book before this weekend, but apparently it’s all people are talking about in certain circles (not my circles, obviously). Here’s a blurb from Slate:

The women’s book club has a new romantic heroine. By day, Anastasia Steele is a college senior at a Vancouver University and a virgin who wears indifferent jeans and reads the usual novels (Tess of the d’UrbervillesPride and Prejudice). By night, she is the willing slave of Christian Grey, who trusses her up in his “red room of pain” and slaps her and makes her shiver with just the tip of his whip.

What do I think about this? I’m honestly not sure.

On the one hand: awesome. So awesome.

Women all over the world are reading an erotic novel, and that’s wonderful. As I said in my post on erotic BDSM romance, one of the best things about the rise of ebooks is that it’s allowed for entire subgenres of erotica to flourish where they couldn’t before. No longer do you have to skulk into a sketchy “adult store” in a sketchy neighborhood, or hope against hope that your bookstore or library might have a copy of The Story of O (and then hope the cashier or librarian won’t give you that “you dirty whore” look). Or just settle for mediocre romance novels or poorly written online stories. If you have a way to read them (on an ereader, a smartphone, or a computer), ebooks are cheap as hell, easy to get and easy to read discreetly. This has opened up a whole new market for “niches” like BDSM and allowed readers another avenue to explore their sexualities.

Also, as the Salon piece points out, we’re in the middle of a massive culture war over female sexuality here in the U.S. And many of my friends are despairing over what they see as a GOP war on women, but I see something more hopeful: I see women all over the place claiming their sexual autonomy, their right to be a sexual person. And so what better timing for a book like this to burst into the mainstream?

But (of course there’s a but!), there are some things that give me pause. First is the sad fact that with any mainstream popularity comes backlash. Again, from the Slate piece:

[Today show ] host Savannah Guthrie, who used to be the show’s legal correspondent, responded with a version of the mild horror the book has provoked on many a feminist blog: “Is that really where we’ve come to after 50 years, now that women have the power? … Do you think women really want to fantasize about someone causing them physical pain?”

Oy. Where to even begin? First, of course, there’s the dismay at the fact that such things would turn women on at all. But what really got under my skin about this reaction is the idea that women being turned on by this book is a result of “50 years” of feminism. As if women are so tired of having the right to vote and hold a job and not get pregnant (which means they have “all the power,” apparently) that we’ve turned to such desperate measures as a submissive sexual fantasy to cope. Or as if this is all such a terrible slap in the face of feminism.

Seriously, why does every damn thing women do have to be a celebration or repudiation of feminism? Why is every action a woman takes, or choice a woman makes, a referendum on feminism?

And then there’s the slightly stickier issue of cooptation. I haven’t read the book yet, but from what I’ve heard, the BDSM is actually fairly light. Not surprising, really, given its mainstream success.

But there’d already been some grumbling among BDSM readers and writers that the increasing popularity of BDSM romance among more “vanilla” people has contributed to the watering-down of the genre. Authors (like my fave, Annabel Joseph, who by the way, has a really great new book out) feel pressured to write “lighter” BDSM, and readers like me have a harder time finding the less-amenable-to-mainstream-tastes stuff that turns our crank. For instance, I’ve had a hard time finding good novels with doms that are a bit more on the sadistic side – because authors deal with a lot of backlash to SM.

Certainly, there are worse problems to have. And I say if it help even a small number of readers tap into kinkier fantasies that they never recognized or knew were ok, then it’s definitely a net gain. But it is a change.

So am I going to read the book? I will probably give it a shot, if only for curiosity’s sake. I’ve heard it’s not actually very good, but people generally say that about pop culture marketed towards women (see: Eat, Pray, Love, which gets sneers but which I found a hell of a lot of fun to read). If I do read it, I’ll be sure to post a review.

Have any of you read it? What did you think?

This is the only thing I will ever write about Rush Limbaugh on my blog

6 Mar

Well, apparently I am an enormous slut, and not in the sexy way. I’m such a slut that I take birth control pills every day! Like a floozy. And my employer pays for most of it, so we all know what that means!

But if there’s one good thing that’s come of this Rush Limbaugh nonsense, it’s Jon Stewart‘s definition of a feminazi:

Someone who would herd you onto a train to an Indigo Girls concert.

Quick, somebody update urbandictionary.com!

Won’t someone please think of the children?

23 Feb

Apparently, ABC News did a segment on my porn boyfriend James Deen and his appeal among teenage girls. The piece is predictably sensationalist and pearl-clutching. They don’t actually say “won’t somebody please think of the children girls?” (because boys will be boys but girls watching porn is a Serious Problem) but they might as well have:


I thought Deen held his own pretty well, even though the producers seemed intent on making this a story about Sleazy Porn Man leading your daughters into sin. I liked his main point, which is basically that kids will want to learn about sex, one way or another, and pretending that teenagers aren’t sexual is just silly.

And you know, I have a preteen cousin. I certainly don’t really like to think of her as a sexual being (she’ll pretty much always be 5 in my eyes) but if she is watching porn, I would much rather she watch a performer like Deen, who as I wrote before, is active and vocal in seeking his partner’s pleasure. And who makes sex look fun for everyone, not scary (well, some of the kink.com videos might be scary, but that’s another ball of wax).

Incidentally, you know where the vast majority of my readers come from? Google searches for James Deen. Even months and months after my one and only post about him.

Also, that girl they interviewed is right! James Deen is definitely the Ryan Gosling of porn.

Oh, Amazon.com, you know me better than I know myself …

15 Dec

I was just placing some orders on Amazon.com. Nothing kinky or sexual, just some DVDs I’m buying for a family member.

When I noticed that Amazon has a new “Pay Phrase” function. I’m not entirely clear on how it works, but it seems to allow you to have things billed and sent to you without having to go through a bunch of steps.

But that’s not the interesting part. The interesting part? The default phrase they created for me:

“[My name]’s controlling assertion.”

I almost fell over laughing.

Maybe it doesn’t have to do with all the BDSM erotica I’ve purchased on Amazon over the last year – but I really kind of hope it does.


(In other news, my libido seems to have picked back up again, and I’ve found a deliciously evil and sadistic online play partner [yes, I know I said never again, but I’ve got needs] and I think I’m going to start dating again after the holidays. So I’m expecting to have more things to blog about again soon.)

With sex educators like these ….

2 Aug

When I wrote my epic-length post about my crush on James Deen, I talked about the one thing that makes me a bit uncomfortable about showering him with adulation, his participation in Brazzer’s Porn Star Punishment series. Well, it turns out he’s officially stopped working with them, which is great. As I said in my post, I find “punishment” scenarios hot (I am kinky, after all!) but I felt that series really crossed the line into slut-shaming, rapeyness, and non-consensual objectification.

So I was prepared to be open-minded when I came across this post criticizing “punishment porn”  that someone posted in the Submissive Women group on fetlife. Then I read this:

Sure, some of us like a little smack on the bum sometimes. But find me a woman who enjoys having a man’s *meat* forcibly shoved into her mouth to the point of gagging and I’ll show you one who is nothing but a figment of a disturbed man’s twisted imagination.

Here all this time I thought I was a sentient being, even a complex person with thoughts and desires all my own, but it turns out that all this time I’ve only been “a figment of a disturbed man’s twisted imagination.” Well, I guess it’s better to know now. All that time spent getting degrees, paying bills, working at my career – all that time, I could have been servicing the man who dreamt me up! What a waste!

And then there was this, from “sex educator” Jamye Waxman:

Of course if two people generally love being punished, beaten, whatever, who am I to stop it? But I ask this: If you love it, why? That’s what I want to know.

Well, first, I’m a bit baffled that someone who works as a sex educator and whose bio lists her as having worked for Babeland (the famously woman-friendly, sex-positive sex shop), being president of a group called Feminists for Free Expression, and having produced porn herself has no idea why someone might enjoy being “punished, beaten, whatever.” It frankly seems disingenuous and a thinly-disguised way of saying “ew, gross, how could someone want that?”

But Jamye, if you actually want to know the answer to that question, there are lots of places to learn that answer. The blogroll on the right side of this page is a good place to start. You could read one of the many, many books about BDSM sexuality. You could, I don’t know, actually talk to some of the people you’re mocking, and ask them, and then actually listen to their answers. I’m guessing from your bio that you actually know many such people.

I’m even happy to talk anytime and tell you why I like it, if you are actually interested in listening. But I will tell you right now that it’s not because there’s something wrong with me or how I was raised.

It’s one thing to be all “OMG, gross” when you’re talking with your friends, but when you’re being interviewed and you’re calling yourself a sex educator, that kind of shaming language is unprofessional, to say the least.

She goes on to say this:

“I can’t say what is sexy and arousing for every individual, but I do see sex as something pleasure based with a limited infusion of pain, and even that pain should be pleasurable,” says Waxman. “As someone who was spanked loads as a child, I don’t get off on being smacked around and honestly find it degrading. I’m curious if there’s a lot of this porn where she’s doing the slapping, but even when I have seen women emasculating men, it doesn’t work for me. Sex is a balance, and there’s no balance when someone takes away your power by such a jarring jolt of force. I prefer loving and sensual to this type of brute force. I got into the industry to make more of the types of erotica that I’d watch and learn from.”

Again, I’m baffled that this is coming from a “sex educator.” Jamye, you are absolutely right that you can’t say what’s sexy for other people. It’s great that you know what you’re into – ” sex as something pleasure based with a limited infusion of pain, and even that pain should be pleasurable” – but do you honestly not understand that others might actually find things pleasurable that you do not?

Some of us actually enjoy having our “power taken away by a jarring jolt of force” (in the context of a consensual, mutually satisfying sexual relationship built on trust). Some of us dream about it. And of course it’s ok that you don’t get off on being slapped or seeing other people get slapped – that’s your right.  As a sex educator, you of all people should understand that sexuality is incredibly diverse and that the healthy, satisfying ways people can express their sexuality are endless.

It’s one thing to have a problem with a certain kind of porn. I agree with a lot of the feminist critiques of mainstream porn. But when you start mocking, belittling and even erasing women with different sexual interests than yours – well, that’s just not right. And when you do so while calling yourself an educator? Completely inexcusable.

“And as much ice cream as you’d like to eat.”

19 Jul

Apparently, James Spader is joining the cast of The Office.

But I’m sure he won’t be spanking any secretaries.

Oh well, a girl can (and will!) dream …


(5 points to the first person to identify the quote in the title!)