Objectifying language

15 Jan




These are all “bad” words, doubly so for a feminist. Not only are they insults, but they are insults based on sexist ideas about what women should be, what gives a woman her value as a person.

And yet, I love hearing them used to describe me, by the right person, in the right context. I love it. I also love having my partner “remind” me that I’m just there for him to use, or that only his enjoyment matters. Nothing sends me into that submissive headspace (which is a very happy, very aroused space for me) quicker than some good, objectifying dirty talk.

I’ve been thinking about this lately for a few reasons. One, the sadistic gentleman I’ve been playing with has quite a way with the dirty words, and I’ve been marveling at how just a few minutes of that can get me so worked up.

And then a reader that I’ve been emailing back and forth with expressed surprise at how I could be so glib about my love of objectifying language. After all, isn’t that anathema to feminism?

I responded by pointing out that the difference, to my mind is context – and, specifically, consent and specificity. I used a vanilla example to explain: if my (hypothetical at the moment) boyfriend grabbed my ass, I’d probably grin and grab his back, because I would view it as a cute, flirty move. If some guy on the street grabbed my ass, it would be assault. What’s the difference? The guy on the street knows nothing about me and certainly does not have my consent. My boyfriend knows I like that sort of thing and obviously has my consent.

As for objectifying dirty talk, to me, it’s the difference between me being his sex object because I’m female and women are supposed to be sex objects for men – and being his sex object because it’s a shared fantasy that we both find really hot. Gender may inform the choice of words, but it’s not why we play like this – if our genders were reversed, or we were the same gender, we would still play that way.

So that’s why I don’t find this kind of play unfeminist. But why do I find it hot?

Now, when I ask why, I don’t mean, “what made me this way?” I think that’s an unanswerable and fairly useless question.

What I mean is “what does this do for me?” I think it comes down to being in the moment. In my day-to-day life, I’m a bit of a perfectionist and an over-thinker. I think that, in a strange way, being cast into this role is a wonderful way of releasing myself to be present in the moment – to at least come closer to being a totally sexual being for a little while.

It’s also exciting to feel like my partner is losing his everyday persona for a while as well. To have a normally respectful, intelligent nice guy let loose with a barrage of vulgar terms like that – well, it makes me feel perversely powerful and extremely sexy.

What about you? Do you like this kind of language – why or why not?

6 Responses to “Objectifying language”

  1. SapioSlut January 16, 2012 at 3:02 AM #

    I love it. And yes, it is all about context and who and all that you mentioned. Wrong person, wrong time and it is a big strong escalating no from me.

    For me it is also about the tone of voice. Somehow being yelled at with those words doesn’t really do it for me. Give me a filthy whisper. Give me the measured tone of someone in charge as they wrap their lips around those words. Shower me with the sexual charge of them. Mmmmm! Oh yeeeeah!

    • Tomio Black January 16, 2012 at 7:49 AM #

      Not only do I like it, but I ask for it. Again, it’s context. Consider these two lines in the middle of hot sticky sex:
      “I value you as a whole person and although I am sincerely enjoying the friction caused by our nether regions, I love your personality and your intellect, as well.”


      “Beg for more, you filthy slut!”

      I know which I’d rather hear.
      /snark (sort of)

      I like it because I associate it with sexual wantonness. It means that I have taken my partner to a place where She is so in touch with Her sexuality that it breaks down all of the social niceties that we generally have to deal with. It is a means of bonding on a purely animalistic level, pure pleasure and soaring emotions.

      This is true despite the fact that the above listed terms are generally considered doubly-negative for men. Rather than finding them a challenge to my masculinity, I find it to be affirming of it. In part, this is because a major part of my sexual masculinity is tied to being able to please my partner.

      • feministsub January 16, 2012 at 11:18 AM #

        Laughing at your first hypothetical quote. 🙂

        Re: your explanations – definitely. Knowing that your partner is also in that “released” state as well is very hot.

    • feministsub January 16, 2012 at 11:14 AM #

      Oh, tone of voice, totally. A disappointing number of men seem to think that “stern” means “yelling.” No, t’s the opposite. A low tone tells me you know you’re in charge.

  2. t1klish February 10, 2012 at 8:55 AM #

    I seem to keep finding myself in discussions about words. I can’t resist for some reason. Probably because I love words so much. I don’t like being called these words because they’re not true.

    I’m not and have never been promiscuous, so being called a slut is simply not true and just makes me want to pull out a dictionary and point out that I’m about as opposite of a slut as one will find these days outside of a convent.

    I’m not a prostitute or promiscuous, so being called a whore is simply not true and makes me want to pull out the dictionary.

    BUT, I do get turned on if my man tells me I’m there for him to use for his pleasure, because THAT is true, and that’s the dynamic I’m under the impression my man and I are going for in our relationship.

  3. mindlessly thoughtful March 2, 2012 at 9:10 AM #

    I love when a man can call me names. But not every man knows how to do so.
    Having a very strong personality, I love being dominated- I just haven’t found the right guy who is confidently able to make my toes curl by calling me his slut.

    I don’t get offended by words such as cunt, whore and slut because I am confident in myself to know the difference between idiots and reality.

    But I can’t wait to find a man who will say nasty dirty words confidently. My man is out there somewhere…
    I hope lol

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